When you think of BDSM, you might be thinking… "Chains and whips excite me". But there's wayyyy more to it, especially when it comes to communication.
From setting boundaries, consent and aftercare, it turns out a lot more communication happens before, during and after you go under the sheets.
So, what can even the most 'vanilla' of us learn about great sex from the BDSM community? Adulttoymegastore's Certified Sex Educator and kink enthusiast Emma Hewitt reckons A LOT!
Here are Emma's top four things we should take from BDSM practices:
Communicate and ask for what YOU want
"It'd be awesome if our partners could mind-read everything we want… unfortunately, that’s not going to happen, so, we gotta talk about it.
Communication in BDSM is essential. Why? because it involves more than just the act of sex – it's about our bodies, our senses, our intellect, and using quite a big dose of creativity.
This means that kinky peeps need to talk about and lay out what’s going to happen BEFORE getting into it by finding common ground where their interests match.
"Talking about sex can be difficult at first, but it gets easier the more you do it. I promise."
Good sexual communication skills create deeper trust and intimacy to help you feel more connected.
It might be less whips and cuffs and more oral and reverse cowgirl, but this is what ensures a great experience for both people. "
How to set boundaries
"Setting boundaries is another thing that kinky peeps are seriously good at and that’s because they do it every single time they play.
Before the clothes come off and the cuffs come out, negotiations happen. Those involved will sit down together and lay out exactly what is going to happen. It might include:
- What they are into
- What they are okay exploring or trying with the caveat that they may need to stop.
- What needing to stop will look like with a safe word or action if they will be gagged or masked in a way that prevents them from speaking.
- How to check in with each other throughout the session to ensure everyone is having a good time.
In some cases, the negotiations may take place over a few days via email or text but will still be discussed and confirmed before the scene starts too - because we’re allowed to change our minds!"
Consent and sexual safety are essential (and sexy)
"The common theme running through these takeaways is consent and understanding that it’s an ongoing thing that can be changed or withdrawn at ANY time.
Just because someone has consented to an activity in the past doesn’t mean that they want to participate in it every time.
“For those that think asking for consent isn’t sexy? That’s just wrong.”
Chat about what you’re keen to do when the time comes and build the anticipation. Text, flirt, send naughty messages asking if you can do this or that, or both at the same time!
Careful consent and planning in the lead-up make for one hell of a sexy playtime where you’re both comfy knowing nothing unwanted is gonna happen. You can relax your mind and really get into it."
Aftercare is key
"Aftercare is a post-play check-in to ensure everyone’s physical and emotional needs are met after sex.
Think of it this way: foreplay gets you ready for sex, and aftercare helps you decompress and process once it’s over.
You probably already do aftercare without realising it - cuddling, watching a movie, having a shower together, or spooning until you fall asleep. It's all about what helps you feel good, and grounded, and keeps that level of intimacy with your partner.
After sex, we experience a sudden drop in hormones which can leave people feeling confused, even if they enjoyed it. What happens after sex becomes part of our memory of the encounter as a whole. That’s why aftercare is so important—even if it’s just a one-night stand.
It’s also just nice… A cup of tea and my favourite TV show after sex? Yes, please!"
There you have it! A bunch of ways to ensure the next time you go under the covers is a fun time for everyone involved. Will you be taking these tips when you next get playful in the bedroom??
